Say it once

i deactivated my ig. i’ve been thinking a lot, and i think i need to say this properly, at least once. i don’t think i ever asked for a lot from you. not long replies, not constant attention. just… basic things. acknowledgment. presence. something that lets me know i matter, even a little. and when that doesn’t come, especially after i’ve shown up, it hurts more than i expected it to. i realised it’s not just about one message or one day. it’s the pattern. how i keep feeling like i’m the one holding more, thinking more, caring more. and i don’t think i can keep doing that to myself. this isn’t me blaming you or asking you to change. i just think this is how you are, and i have to accept that. but i also have to be honest with myself about what i need. and right now, this doesn’t feel good for me anymore. i don’t want to keep reaching out and wondering if i matter. i don’t want to keep feeling affected by silence like this. so i’m going to take a step back. not out of anger, but because i need to protect my own peace a bit. you don’t have to respond to this. i’m not expecting anything. i just needed to say it once, clearly.

Inevitable

not every connection is meant to last. some endings do not arrive loudly. they arrive calmly, with a knowing dat settles in the whispers before the sun rises. an ending is not failure. sometimes it is growth. sometimes it is clarity. sometimes it is recognising dat wad is meant for me does not need to be chased, negotiated, or held together by my effort alone. i am learning dat peace begins when i stop asking to be chosen and allow pple the freedom to step away if they decide to. just as truth. some connections teach. then loosen their grip. their leaving is not rejection. it is alignment revealing itself. wad once felt like holding on now feels like honouring myself. wad once felt unbearable now feels inevitable, and strangely gentle. wad once felt safe now feels like an empty room. i am left sitting in alone. life moves more freely when i stop trying to prove my worth and let wad cannot stay fall away on its own. letting things be. letting people choose. letting myself remain whole either way. life gets quieter when i stop holding space for pple who are already halfway gone. i no longer ask. i simply step back and let absence say wad words never could. until you realise the silence you feel now is the same one i learnt to live with while still standing beside you.

You never cared

why pretend to care, if care is only silence wearing a mask? i dun need half lit gestures, the safe replies dat never reach my skin. to someone, maybe care is quiet. a nod, a glance, a message too small to hold. but to me, care is presence. it’s choosing to show up, again and again, until the walls come down. I was capable of love so pure i felt scared. Tried to fill it with calm, with things dat made me feel alive again. The answers came finally. from different pple It did not make sense, now I see it for myself. for any kind of connection to work, pure love is not enuf. u need both to want to make it work. I release wad was never mine to hold. I honour what was shared, and return peace to where love once lived.

i let go cos u mattered too much to me

I dun even know if I’m doing the right thing. wad I do know is dat I’ve loved you in the only way I know how… openly, deeply, sometimes too much. I gave pieces of myself because u mattered to me. but love shouldn’t feel like this pain I carry. If u loved me the way I need, u would never let me cry alone. u would never let me feel abandoned when all I wanted was to be seen by u. maybe u care in ur own way. maybe silence is ur comfort, structure ur shield. but my heart breaks in those gaps. I start to wonder if I’m worthy, when the truth is I’ve always been worthy; just not in the way u can hold. so I’m learning to step back. not because I dun love you, but because I love myself too. I cannot keep pouring until I’m empty. I need to breathe again, to be me again ; radiant, whole, not waiting. if one day u choose to meet me where I stand, I’ll be here, lighter, steadier. and if not, then at least I’ll know I loved with everything I had. dat will always be enuf.

It is over

months later... i am back here in so much pain... i tried to bring a small part of my heart to her something gentle something that asked for nothing but presence. she answered with distance, not cruelty just the kind of distance that quietly says “don’t come closer.” and maybe that hurts more than being pushed away. because i wasn’t trying to take anything. i just wanted to offer a moment. a memory. me. and she gave me logistics. dates. work hours. reasons. but not warmth. not softness. not the “i see you” i had hoped for. so i told her i’d stop. that i wouldn’t bother again. and she replied like it was two different things — me reaching, her refusing. maybe it was. maybe i’ve been pouring love into hands that never planned to stay open. and now i see it. she didn’t push me away. she just never moved closer. and i mistook stillness for safety. but today, i deactivate. not out of bitterness but because i need silence louder than her indifference. because if i keep reaching, i’ll forget how to hold myself. so here i am. no longer chasing the echo. just learning how to become my own warmth in the cold she left behind.

I release you

Not because I stopped caring, but because I started noticing who did. I release you — not in anger, but in acceptance. You were never meant to hold something so soft with hands so guarded. I showed up gently. I waited patiently. I asked for very little — just a space that felt safe beside you. But love shouldn’t feel like guessing. It shouldn’t leave me wondering if I was too much, or never enough. So this is me, no longer shrinking to stay visible. No longer hoping you’ll say what you never will. No longer waiting for proof from someone who shows everything through silence. I loved you in real time. You responded in delay. And maybe that’s all it ever was. So I let go — not because I want to, but because I finally know how to. And still… I wish you peace. I wish you ease. But I no longer wish to keep holding what’s never truly held me back.

U dun hav to chase mountains or pple who make ur heart tired

Dear Heart, You don’t have to chase mountains—or people—who make your heart tired. Some connections are like long treks: beautiful, meaningful, but exhausting when you're the only one carrying the weight. It's okay to pause. It's okay to breathe. It's okay to rest. You don’t need to keep climbing to prove your love. You don’t need to send another message to show you care. You don’t need to reach out just to feel close. You have already given so much—more than most would. And that is enough. Let someone finish the climb. Let the mountain be the mountain. You? You return to yourself. You build a home in your own softness. If someone comes down and looks for you—wonderful. If someone doesn’t—you still loved with truth and courage. You are allowed to love. You are allowed to stop. And you are allowed to protect your peace. With gentleness, Me (your quiet strength)

MBA for one

No group chats ping, no buddies near, Just me, my notes, and stale old cheer. My coffee’s cold, my brain’s awake, This journey’s mine—make no mistake! The books don’t gossip, cheat, or flake, They stay with me for every break. No need for promises, plans gone wrong, Just one more case—this night is long! While others snooze or change their minds, I crunch the numbers, read the signs. No squad, no hype, but that’s okay— This MBA is mine to slay!

I should put it behind me, shouldn’t I?

Did I love too loudly, speak in colors you never wanted to see? Did my hands reach too far, grasping for something you were never willing to give? Was it the way I stayed, the way I waited, the way I let my heart unfold in your silence— did that make me foolish, or just naive enough to believe you would catch me? Tell me, was it my words that pushed you away, or the weight of what they meant? Did I cross the line by wanting more than you were willing to hold? I replay the moments, soft edges turned sharp, searching for the place where I became too much, too close, too desperate to be chosen. And now, I stand alone at the edge, whispering to the ghost of what we were, wondering if I was ever meant to step inside your world— or if I was always just an outsider to your love. This version leans deeper into raw vulnerability, self-doubt, and the ache of feeling like you loved too much. Want it even more intense, or more dreamlike?

Meeting my younger self for coffee (when Im not NBM and not down with GE)

Both of us arrived 1 hour early. She sits before me, hands curled around a cup too full, spoon clinking against porcelain, stirring like she can slow time. Her eyes, wide with wonder, scan my face for secrets— for answers, for proof that the world did not break us. I want to reach across the table, trace the softness still in her bones, tell her not to give it all away. But she is glowing, bright with a hope that is so shining. “Do we make it?” she asks, voice light as steam rising, and I laugh, soft and knowing. “We do. In ways you wouldn’t expect.” She exhales relief, unaware of the storms she will carry, the names she will whisper like prayers before learning to let go. I sip my coffee, watching her, memorizing the version of myself who still believes love is forever, who does not flinch at the word goodbye. I could warn her. I could tell her about the nights we unravel, the doors that close too soon, the hands that slip away. But she does not need my grief— not yet. So I smile, tuck the ache between sips, and let her dream a little longer. ◡̈

A conversation with myself

Will u notice if I am gone? I could disappear today, fade into the quiet, let the wind carry mi name away— and would u even notice? You used to send me hearts, like breadcrumbs leading me back to uuu, small, warm proofs that I mattered. But now, ur words come in fragments, cold, distant, careful. Is this how u leave? Not in a storm, not with final words, but in silence, slow, steady, unnoticed— like a tide retreating while I stand still. If I stop reaching out, will uuu reach back? Or will uuu breathe easier, relieved that I stopped trying? I fear that if I let go, u will too. But maybe u already have, and I’m the only one left here...

Was the high worth the pain?

I touched the sky with borrowed wings, Drunk on dreams and blingbling things. Laughter spilled like falling rain, Never thinking of the pain The warmth, the heights and whispered nights, A world aglow in fleeting lights. But stars that burn too bright must fade, And love once soft can turn to shade ur words grew sharp, ur touch turned cold, A story left hanging and left half-told. I reached for warmth, was met with frost— A promise lost, a debt unpaid Was the high worth all the fall? The sweetest high, the hardest wall? Perhaps the past was made of glass, Meant to shatter, not meant to last. And though the echoes still remain, I ask no more as it still rains— Perhaps in dreams, I’ll feel that glow But waking now- I feel you go

Dinner with Grampie @ Tampopo :)

Last night, we queued an hour outside Tampopo Liang Court to a bursting restaurant with an uber long queue... We were eventually seated at a laopok absolutely cramped corner where servers forgot to top up our drinks or provide us with cutlery until we had to get up to catch their attention?! On the bright side, the food is yUmmy and grampie had fun cooking his sukiyaki :D Even though we are easy to please and would go great lengths for yummy food... We won't queue an hour for it again~



the green tea : very aromatic and full of flavour :D even grampie who usually avoids drinking anything outside his fluid limit coz of cardiovascular health reasons enjoyed it and asked for more tea~

black pig sukiyaki : broth is sweet and savoury , good quality of meat, fire lasted throughout entire meal, grampie enjoyed cooking his shabu shabu :D servers failed to provide cutlery ... expect my grampie to drink boiling soup from a steamboat without a spoon? had to stand up and call them as waving proved useless.

grilled squid : nicely grilled with bbq flavour, not overdone but not soft neither. is a bit Q but not rubbery, quite yummy~

ramen + chirashi sushi set with curry croquette : too much! chirashi sushi was fresh and yummy but ramen was ordinary.. curry croquette felt boring and rather dry, nothing special about it... would be nice if they filled it with bits of corn etc inside to surprise us?

kurobuta tonkatsu set : thousand layered katsu was delish! :) although it's fried it was moist and so well made that it can rival the ones I had in Japan :D the miso soup was rich and had lots of goodies in it~ absolutely thumbs up!

ramen : ramen and soup was ordinary. egg was overcooked as the yolk was not runny.

Good life :D

I am on maternity leave already and so not used to staying still at hOme~ I'm known to be hyperactive but working in ICU in the final weeks of pregnancY induced more contractions +++ :p After resting at home, dodo is so comfy and now although due, she doesn't want to come out? I tried pineapple and spicy food and it doesn't work~ :p Shall let nature take it's course then and enjoy my babymoon at home~ :D Mostly, I feel like a beached whale coz tummy suddenly grew v huge within the last 2 weeks? gOt backache and ribs ache... can't mOve much once I lie down but can still walk quickLY~ well it doesn't stop me from enjoying life :p


this is an pan and milo :D yUmmy...



these are cadbury eggs.. I'm gg to distribute them instead of red eggs on dodo's first month birthday party :D I used to live near coldstorage holland V and bought these frequently as a kid... too bad they are only available during easter now when it used to be all year round but my friends and I really like them! hahaha.. :D

almOst due :D

dOdo gLOWY will be out these few daYs~ went for mi appt and did a CTG... having regular miLd contractions alreadY wahaha....wondering if she will pop on 29 feb :P I am touched dat hubbi accompanied mi through the whole process... I felt quite scared :P

Afterwards, I had tauhuay cravings and the seller designed a dodo tauhuay for mi... heheh... :D Cheers!

Looking forward to a new life :D

I'm on MC... it's like the beginning of the year and I used to NOT take mc for like at least 10 years but I really couldn't walk ... :( Felt giddy that afternoon at mi workplace and suddenly bLOOP on the floor.. :P it happened so quickly and scared mi friend who was nearby... at the same time, mi sprained mi ankle ... ZZZZZ it was so swollen I was crying even when trying to walk from mi bed to mi toilet a few steps away =( Thankfully the swelling subsided by the next day and is getting better...break a leg.. maybe will bring me better luck in this dragon year :D

Count downs 1 mOnth to dOdo's arrival :D

Went for mi scan last week , dodo is already head down and weighed 1.84kg last friday :D Still can't see whether boy or gaL cos of position but nevermind la I believe she is a gal hahaha! Did her room alreadY... bOUght almost everything I need... packed mi hospital bag... I wanna call her Aurelia Chiew Ke Xin :D I hope she likes her name! ke - adorable; xin - happy , euphoric . CNY is coming soon... look forward to mi baby dragOn :D

Babies from wOrk...

been taking care of a few babies... who almost died after birth... feel sad taking care of them.. one of whom is gasping away buying time, while the other one who can die from arrythmias anytime... both of them have something in common, both had normal scans / examinations antenatally... juz dat events during birth led to their condition todaY~ cannot help but worry about mi dodo... Hope everything goes smoothlY... 32 weeks alreadY... less than 2 mOnths to gO... wanna meet u and carry U and feed u bb... :D

FUMING MAD! >:(

Today was soooo tired by the time I got home... then at the lift, got a random middle aged couple who got into the lift with mi , accused and reprimanded mi for something I didn't dO? RIDICULOUS... I retaliated and scolded them back. REALLY ANGRILY. Some people should juz mind their own business and not try and act smart. I absolutely HATE IT when some pple like to talk pple down with the condescending tone. Especially plz stay far far away from me......... pregnant mommies are most ferocious! >:(

Happy new year :D

dOdo is due in less than 2 mOnths time and I'm still very busy at the wOrkplace... business boomz and lots of speed walking/ getting things dOne... almost half dead by the time I reach hOme but thankfully hUbbie drives mi to work if I'm AM shift and drives mi home when I'm PM shift. Spent a lot on dodo and mI even before she is bOrn ... signed up for hOme jamU and massage :x LOL... bOUght lots of babY clOthes...towels... miLk bottles, even pacifiers, bought electric breast puMp.. bathing soap + hairwash, clOth diapers... :D... the crib, pram, steriliser all prepared... nOw need to pack my hOspital bag and buy the last few items which are the simpler , small stuff such as bath basin, wipes, miLk powder (shall wait), ru yi oil, desitin and the list goes On... :p I like the name Chloe a LOT but everyone told mi not to call her that, v suay name (cos I work in childrens ICU and associate names to children who gone through a lot of sickness/death) so I thought why not call her Aurelia, which sounds good and is meaningful.. but the DAD cannot pronounce, so Im looking for a new name for dodo