I just want to be needed

today i went to see my friend who has cancer. when i reached, she was sitting at the entrance of the ward cos her room was being cleaned. she looked really down, and somehow all i knew how to do was be my usual cheery, bubbly sunshine self around her. and the whole time i kept wondering if it was inappropriate. all i brought was a mofusand and a small pack of random stuff from busan, which suddenly felt like the last thing anyone in her situation would need. i did ask her before going if it was a gd time and she said yes. but seeing her there made everything feel different. she had like 4 redivac bottles hanging in a shopping bag on her right, and a multi lumen cvp on her left. the nite before she told me she was gg home, but looking at her today, i honestly doubted it. when i walked her back to her room, part of me wanted to stay longer. i wanted to sit there with her, even if we said nothing. but she told me it was okay and dat i could go back to my ward. i told her, “im yours for now.” but at the same time i couldn’t tell if she was politely asking me to go because she just wanted to be alone. so i left. her husband was there too, and somehow dat made me think even more. i guess normal pple have someone who belongs there beside them. someone who loves them, waits with them, sits through the horrible parts with them. they dun need some random friend appearing with a mofusand and busan snacks trying to make them smile. and den i caught myself thinking… why am i making this about me again? why does my brain always come back to wanting to be needed? what selfish thought is dat when she is the one actually going through all of this? but maybe dat is exactly what scares me. dat this same scene will keep replaying in different forms throughout my life. everyone has their person. everyone has someone they naturally turn to, someone who belongs beside them. and somehow i always feel like the extra person standing at the doorway. i even caught myself asking God why He couldn’t have made me the one who was sick instead. not because i intend to do anything to myself. i never will. but sometimes suffering feels more straightforward to me than this strange ache of wondering where i belong and whether anybody really needs me. and immediately i hated dat thought too, because again… why does it have to come back to what i want? anyway. dat is the strange thing about me. there can be so much darkness running quietly underneath, while outwardly i am still sunshine to everybody else. i survived the day. ordered flowers for her too. no sound, nothing. and i dun wanna ask whether she received them because she probably has absolutely no mood for any of this. or God forbid, maybe something changed after the repeat scan this morning and she had to go for another procedure. so i’ll just leave it. i cannot force anyone to come towards me just because i care about them. i cannot force pple to feel comfortable with me, or need me, or let me into the difficult parts of their lives. and tbh, we are still quite the strangers. we mostly met during formal meetings, maybe one dinner, a few coffees here and there. so i dun blame her at all. i just sometimes wonder… who am i, really, to expect to be the person someone reaches for?

Say it once

i deactivated my ig. i’ve been thinking a lot, and i think i need to say this properly, at least once. i don’t think i ever asked for a lot from you. not long replies, not constant attention. just… basic things. acknowledgment. presence. something that lets me know i matter, even a little. and when that doesn’t come, especially after i’ve shown up, it hurts more than i expected it to. i realised it’s not just about one message or one day. it’s the pattern. how i keep feeling like i’m the one holding more, thinking more, caring more. and i don’t think i can keep doing that to myself. this isn’t me blaming you or asking you to change. i just think this is how you are, and i have to accept that. but i also have to be honest with myself about what i need. and right now, this doesn’t feel good for me anymore. i don’t want to keep reaching out and wondering if i matter. i don’t want to keep feeling affected by silence like this. so i’m going to take a step back. not out of anger, but because i need to protect my own peace a bit. you don’t have to respond to this. i’m not expecting anything. i just needed to say it once, clearly.

Inevitable

not every connection is meant to last. some endings do not arrive loudly. they arrive calmly, with a knowing dat settles in the whispers before the sun rises. an ending is not failure. sometimes it is growth. sometimes it is clarity. sometimes it is recognising dat wad is meant for me does not need to be chased, negotiated, or held together by my effort alone. i am learning dat peace begins when i stop asking to be chosen and allow pple the freedom to step away if they decide to. just as truth. some connections teach. then loosen their grip. their leaving is not rejection. it is alignment revealing itself. wad once felt like holding on now feels like honouring myself. wad once felt unbearable now feels inevitable, and strangely gentle. wad once felt safe now feels like an empty room. i am left sitting in alone. life moves more freely when i stop trying to prove my worth and let wad cannot stay fall away on its own. letting things be. letting people choose. letting myself remain whole either way. life gets quieter when i stop holding space for pple who are already halfway gone. i no longer ask. i simply step back and let absence say wad words never could. until you realise the silence you feel now is the same one i learnt to live with while still standing beside you.

You never cared

why pretend to care, if care is only silence wearing a mask? i dun need half lit gestures, the safe replies dat never reach my skin. to someone, maybe care is quiet. a nod, a glance, a message too small to hold. but to me, care is presence. it’s choosing to show up, again and again, until the walls come down. I was capable of love so pure i felt scared. Tried to fill it with calm, with things dat made me feel alive again. The answers came finally. from different pple It did not make sense, now I see it for myself. for any kind of connection to work, pure love is not enuf. u need both to want to make it work. I release wad was never mine to hold. I honour what was shared, and return peace to where love once lived.

i let go cos u mattered too much to me

I dun even know if I’m doing the right thing. wad I do know is dat I’ve loved you in the only way I know how… openly, deeply, sometimes too much. I gave pieces of myself because u mattered to me. but love shouldn’t feel like this pain I carry. If u loved me the way I need, u would never let me cry alone. u would never let me feel abandoned when all I wanted was to be seen by u. maybe u care in ur own way. maybe silence is ur comfort, structure ur shield. but my heart breaks in those gaps. I start to wonder if I’m worthy, when the truth is I’ve always been worthy; just not in the way u can hold. so I’m learning to step back. not because I dun love you, but because I love myself too. I cannot keep pouring until I’m empty. I need to breathe again, to be me again ; radiant, whole, not waiting. if one day u choose to meet me where I stand, I’ll be here, lighter, steadier. and if not, then at least I’ll know I loved with everything I had. dat will always be enuf.

It is over

months later... i am back here in so much pain... i tried to bring a small part of my heart to her something gentle something that asked for nothing but presence. she answered with distance, not cruelty just the kind of distance that quietly says “don’t come closer.” and maybe that hurts more than being pushed away. because i wasn’t trying to take anything. i just wanted to offer a moment. a memory. me. and she gave me logistics. dates. work hours. reasons. but not warmth. not softness. not the “i see you” i had hoped for. so i told her i’d stop. that i wouldn’t bother again. and she replied like it was two different things — me reaching, her refusing. maybe it was. maybe i’ve been pouring love into hands that never planned to stay open. and now i see it. she didn’t push me away. she just never moved closer. and i mistook stillness for safety. but today, i deactivate. not out of bitterness but because i need silence louder than her indifference. because if i keep reaching, i’ll forget how to hold myself. so here i am. no longer chasing the echo. just learning how to become my own warmth in the cold she left behind.

I release you

Not because I stopped caring, but because I started noticing who did. I release you — not in anger, but in acceptance. You were never meant to hold something so soft with hands so guarded. I showed up gently. I waited patiently. I asked for very little — just a space that felt safe beside you. But love shouldn’t feel like guessing. It shouldn’t leave me wondering if I was too much, or never enough. So this is me, no longer shrinking to stay visible. No longer hoping you’ll say what you never will. No longer waiting for proof from someone who shows everything through silence. I loved you in real time. You responded in delay. And maybe that’s all it ever was. So I let go — not because I want to, but because I finally know how to. And still… I wish you peace. I wish you ease. But I no longer wish to keep holding what’s never truly held me back.