it really hurts

I’m stopping because the relationship I was trying to preserve started costing me too much. for weeks, I’ve been crying, analysing silence, watching views, comparing myself with other pple, wondering whether the person dislikes me, thinking about how to repair things, planning gifts, trying to understand wad the person needs… and repeatedly asking myself wad else I could do. at some point, the question changed from: “how do I get back something I love?” to: “how long am I willing to hurt myself trying?” and I think I’m reaching dat point. I can understand dat the person may have needed space. I can acknowledge dat I wasn’t perfect either. I can remember dat the person once made me extraordinarily happy. and still say: I wanted repair. I wanted reciprocity. I wanted to feel safe with the person again. I couldn’t create those things alone. so stopping isn’t “I dun love u anymore.” it’s closer to: “I love u. I just finally understand dat loving u isn’t enough to make this work.” dats why deactivating IG and Facebook hurt instead of feeling triumphant. I’m not winning some detachment game. I’m separating myself from something my heart still wants because, as it exists right now, it keeps hurting me. I dun have to make the person a bad person in order to stop loving them this way. I just have to finally believe dat my pain counts too. 🤍